Firefly Lights

I sincerely feel like my boyfriend doesn’t love me anymore. It’s just some lie he’s telling to me and himself to keep himself occupied when he feels like it before I leave him for good in the next week and a half. Like he just wanted me around as a fuck buddy. 

We never seriously fought until this january, when he first broke the news to me of not wanting to move out to another state with me anymore. We had planned on this when he graduated college a year ago and thought it would be a good option for what he wanted to do job wise. But now he’d rather have his bachelor pad with his best friend, who is even complaining about him to his girlfriend. And maybe i’ve been hard to deal with since then because of the stress from my final semester at college and wondering if the relationship that we had was worth continuing since we basically knew the end date. But he eventually convinced me that it was worth it, and I’m just trying to hard to be positive and giving.

It just feels like he wants me around when it suits him. And every time we spend a couple of days together consecutively, (which happened to be around his birthday this time) actually spending quality time with each other, he suddenly has to retreat, telling me that he feels pressured to keep me entertained, and that I should be fine being alone, or find a new hobby or that he doesn’t have to talk to me every moment of the day. (We fought this morning, then spent time with my friend all afternoon and texted him later, being friendly, hoping to resolve the conflict from before.) (Also, he’s broke. And I’m basically paying for all our dates BTW). Then he tells me i’m over reacting when I tear up at being hurt and thinking about me having to leave him in the next week. I don’t even raise my voice when we talk. 

Yet he wonders why I don’t feel welcome at his place, or why I have a hard time talking about my feelings with him even though we’ve been dating 2 and a half years. Or feel like I’m being used. 

My parents are flying in tomorrow and I was just hoping that my family and my boyfriend would just have a nice time with our friends as we are celebrating  MY (and my awesome college friends) graduation. But no. This has to happen. 

Am I really so needy and explosive with my feelings? Or am I right in feeling like my boyfriend is twisting my words around and being a controlling human being? 

I honestly cant’ tell. I always want to believe the best in people, especially those I care about, and I know I have an awful habit of putting myself down. So its hard to tell what is the logical truth or what is just feelings running rampant. 

And I might just be a little tipsy right now. 

I could just be thinking too much. 

My boyfriend is such an ass sometimes. 

My pole buddy and I had a two hour dance session at her place. 

We are both going to be so sore and bruised for graduation. 

That was totally a smart idea. 

:P